“I wasn’t searching for something or someone... I was searching for me.”
Life isn’t easy, no one said it was. Then why did I believe it would be? Whether we’re children or adults, we constantly look around to observe others for their mistakes and we consciously make a note that we will not let history repeat itself. We tell ourselves that life for us would be different, it would be simple. That’s the first illusion I created for myself.
Not everything that breaks creates a sound. You see, I thought life would be straightforward, I would get good grades in school, go to college, get a degree and get a stable job. All the things that my previous generations lacked. I thought if I followed a different pattern, life would lead me to a desired ending. I even believed that these achievements would protect me from making the same mistakes, from repeating history. Now here I am, at my desired ending, but still just as broken.
I was so desperate to rewrite history, I completely lost my present. I rushed to tick everything off my list that I didn’t ever take a moment to pause. All along I thought I was searching for success, when in reality, I wasn’t searching for something or someone... I was searching for me.
In the fast lane, that is life, you’re constantly running towards what you believe is the “goal”. You hear your mind constantly reminding you of what you don’t want to be and where you should be. But amongst all that running, you silence your heart. They say the mind and the heart are always in a battle, but that’s because we treat them as polar opposites, as enemies. It’s not just our heart that needs to be true to itself, but our mind too. Your thoughts, your dreams, they should be a reflection of yourself, not a construction of what we see and hear around us. That is where we go wrong, we make our mind the enemy, when all it needs is to be nurtured... nurtured from the heart. When you neglect your mind, you allow the space for it to be nurtured by others and before you know it, your mind is a construction of what others see rather than what you are.
Now, I stand in front of you, 23 years of age, a total stranger to myself because I allowed myself to look at my reflection through the eyes of the worId. So this blog is just me trying to piece together the fragments of my soul in order to heal and create the true version of myself.